I am having some serious issues lately. My brain has been infected. About 2 months ago, I thought I may have been pregnant again. At first, the thought scared me... then I found out it was just a bunch of cysts that provoke pregnancy-like symptoms. It all happened so quickly, but that's when the thought first entered my mind. Now, it seems like everyone I know is getting pregnant... and I STILL have these damn symptoms. I don't know why, but now it's in the back of my mind ALL the time! I feel like I'm semi-obsessed with the idea of being pregnant again. Feeling the little movements and that super protective feeling, knowing that you're carrying around another life inside of you. I bet Elijah will love it too, now that he's a bit older (and he LOVES babies). I've even started thinking about baby names! I know what I want to name our next child if it's a girl. I don't want anyone to know it though; don't want to jinx the gender thing by picking a name and having everyone call my belly by a certain name and then have the baby be the other gender. I have a whole list of boys names that I like, but a couple REALLY stand out too. ;o) I know that Jason definitely isn't even thinking about another baby yet though. "We don't have the money or the space", that's what he would say. And both of those things are true, but when WILL you have those things? At this point, I don't think we will EVER have those things. So, by that standard, we will never be ready. How depressing. Especially when I am semi-obsessed with the thought of it all. This time, if I found out, I would actually be happy. Thrilled even.

This past weekend, I had an internal mini-meltdown. Honestly. I found myself feeling so selfish that I was beginning to disgust myself... then I realized that it MUST be normal. I found myself in the middle of Kohl's, buying winter-ish clothes for my 17 month old son (they grow so quickly!). On the way back to the children's section, I saw that one of the mannequins was wearing a perfect pair of shoes. They were black patent leather high heeled mary janes with a heel that was just the right height and width. I thought outloud, "I love THOSE shoes". After doing much shopping for the little guy, we went past the shoe department to look for shoes for Eli (I don't really know why though)... my hubby briefly said "did you find those shoes? did you want to get them?". I really wanted them. REALLY wanted them, but I said no. He looked at me, with a kind of confused look on his face. I had to explain that I have nothing to wear with them. A very sad, true statement. That was when it dawned on me; I haven't bought even one article of clothing in over a year for myself. Not a one. This wouldn't really be a bad thing, but in that past year, I have put on so much weight that I have "outgrown" most of my decent clothing and therefore only wear scrubs or my uniform polos and two pairs of "fat pants" to work. I have approximately 1.5 pairs of pants that I can still wear outside of work and the only shirts I have, are beginning to grow tiny holes in them from being washed so frequently (due to the lack of quantity). Anyway, yesterday, we were at the mall getting Eli's picture taken with Santa and afterward were just window shopping. Well, I was. My hubby has been on this hell bent mission to find this Nike knit hat that he's been dying for... Again, this strange selfishness hit me; There was a point in time that I would walk into any number of stores and drop $150 on wardrobe additions. Why, now, could I not even walk into Walmart to get a new pair of desperately needed khakis or something? Ugh. I guess the part that bothers me the most is that it's not that I CAN'T, perse... but that I don't want to be the bitch that puts our family behind on the bills just because I NEED something - God forbid. Why do I feel so jealous when my hubby can pick out $250 of Nike/college apparel (that he already has a closet FULL of) out of the catelog and his parents will just BUY IT FOR HIM? Why does that make me crazy? I used to be a shopping ADDICT and I have somehow cut it entirely out of my life. It used to be my therapy, literally. I can't do even one little thing for me now... because I think that I will feel guilty afterward. I haven't even gotten my hair cut in about 3 months. 3 months!! I can't even do a damn thing with it right now, and I get mad every morning, but... I don't want to set my family back. See?? This selfishness is awful!! What do I do to stop it??? I just wish someone would hand me a prepaid credit card with about a grand on it... just for me. For me to undergo some serious shopping therapy.